Saturday, December 18
waiting for a transfer to finish. not sure what i'm doing. listening to all these sad songs. watching the moon move across the sky. wondering if what people say about fate is true. wondering why my heart beats when there is nothing to beat for. wishing i could pull myself out of this state. but i've been this way for so long, i'm wallowing in the muddy puddle of self-pity. shake me. slap me. make me climb out. i achieve nothing. don't cry out loud. just keep it inside and learn how to hide your feelings. i've never been good at that. what i feel is right out there for the world to see. i hate that. wish i were someone else. always wishing that. when will i love me for me? you cannot love me for me until i learn to do so. i try. but it's so hard. too hard.
watching me thinking about you.
it's like watching a silent movie on rerun.
i see my lips move, my steps falter,
but i can't hear my own words.
i don't know how to pick myself up,
make the sound come through.
make this come true.
catch me, i'm falling into an endless pit
of self-loathing.
it must've been love.
1:49 am
xoxo
